finding the one - on character (1)

[Listening to soundtrack from Wong Kar Wai's movie, Ashes of Time, while writing this - and afterwards.]

I've seen a few - well, quite a big few - of my friends, finding the love of their lives, without ever having to alter their atypical personalities. I was raised in a Malay society, and despite five years spent studying overseas, I still live within a Malay circle - with certain expectations of how a woman is supposed to look, to behave, even to talk and to think.

It is common observation that the more atypical a woman is, the less easy would it be for her to find her 'one'.

It is also common to comment that men are intimidated by strong women. 'Strong' as in assertive and opinionated, with knowledge and experience to back up her claims, plus being eloquent and self-assured. In other words, a woman who does not seem to need a man to stand by her side to face the challenges of the world, and a woman who will not shy away from telling (in a nice way, if she is a nice person, that is) a man who is being silly that he is being silly.

I do not wish to explore on the accuracy of these observations and claims. I do not wish to elaborate on how women should be or how men should be or whatever. People are going to fall for whoever that they fancy, and instructing them how or for whom to fall is not going to change their personal preferences. I'm done ranting on the calamity of narrow-minded men and short-sighted women a long time ago, and I think for now, I'm happy thinking that if a man is the sort that would restrict my freedom because of his orthodoxy, and refuse to respect my intellectuality, I wouldn't even be attracted to him in the first place, so no need to concern myself about that issue.

A lot of my friends have been blessed with engagements and marriages. Most of them are self-respecting women who would not parade their fiancees or boyfriends about, or show off their relationships on social media sites in ways that seem inappropriate for a yet-unmarried couple. May Allah bless their unions, and I have no doubt that most of them found their soulmates - the one who accepts them for who they are, whatever personality they have.

Such is what I have observed amongst my friends, my strong women friends who found their partners without ever having to compromise, becoming someone that she is not. The partner accepts her for who she is. The partner even gets attracted towards her because of the personality trait(s), that at a glance, would seem like a discouraging factor.

Of course, looks - beauty and grace - also play a significant role. It may even cloud over other undesirable attributes - how else would those bitchy women ever get admirers? - but as wise people say, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, and a bright soul shines from within, making radiant what is ordinary and plain. So for a beautiful person, character will enhance the physical grace, while for a plain person, character will render the physical more attractive. This is how I perceive men, and I'm sure a lot of decent men perceive women the same way.

Remember the curve of normal distribution? The closer one is to the mean, i.e. the more ordinary one is, then the more matches one will have. The further one is from the mean, then it means the sample size of possible partners to choose from will be smaller. Being far or close to the mean does not mean one is a better or more important person - I'm just describing it as it is. There is no attempt here to prattle on the 'highest apple on the tree is more precious' stuff. I don't really believe in it anyway.

Saying that the more difficult a person is to find his or her match, the more precious he/she is such that only the best person can get him/her (usually spoken by women to placate each other), sounds more like a false reassurance, an attempt to paint a black stone pink, to me. Just say it like it is. You've yet to find your match - it doesn't mean you're better or worse than anybody else.

As I had experienced, sometimes there is this urge, this drive, to try to normalize oneself. To reform oneself - not with the purpose of becoming a better person, but to get closer to the mean, so as to be regarded less as a weirdo, and more as potential partner, by those who matter. To express less of what one thinks, to be more bashful, to not look clever, to look uncertain (even when deep inside I'm sure as hell of myself)...

Heck it, it doesn't work. Not for long though. The character, if it is strong, if suppressed, will be like a lion in a cage. It will stay in there, but it will not be happy and quiet. It will be restless, pacing up and down, peeking at the outside world, wanting out, wanting out at the slightest chance, and sometimes the lion will roar. Glimpses of a character suppressed will always show, will always gleam, sometimes menacingly, behind the facade that one puts up for purposes of public viewing. A character suppressed, will either cause extreme suffering to the individual, or eventually come out anyway. Sometimes, it will come out with a revenge.

Of course, bad character, traits that does not comply with the Prophetic ideal, must be altered and changed to fit the proper description of a Muslim(ah) - but I will discuss that on another opportunity.

To be continued. I am snatching moments to write, read, and watch movie, while sorting out my cartons of stuff to be shipped home. Now that I'm pretty much done with my piles of books, the clothes need to sorted. MasyaAllah, alhamdulillah, I have too many clothes.